btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
