If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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