She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
