she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Randomize
