Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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