shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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