VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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