mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you traded sex for a burrito?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
