i dedicated my morning wood to you.
pop tarts are not kleenex
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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