I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
