He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
