I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
