I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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