I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
