dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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