How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize