The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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