I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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