God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
