Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
