So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
