genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
