just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
