I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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