sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
