Just fell off a train. Bad.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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