I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
