I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
