smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
