you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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