I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
