What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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