Three words: puerto rican gang bang
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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