i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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