My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
