how can u be prego again
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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