i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
