I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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