Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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