4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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