So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize