hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
