hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
