I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
