Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
