He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
