he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
