so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
