she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
