Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
