All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
