Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
