Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Come see our sink grown plant.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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