When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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