god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
