Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
