my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
